Stress and a second opinion

I guess I should just start with the bad news...my lymph node biopsy was positive.  So my cancer has at least spread to one lymph node, and I have more tests this week to make sure it hasn't spread further.  My life has started to revolve around doctor's appointments and medical tests.  Also, my insurance won't approve a PET scan, so they suck.  I have to have a CT scan instead, and I'm thinking that if a CT scan were the best test, my doctor would have just ordered a CT scan and not a PET scan to begin with.  Is the PET scan more expensive or something?  Did I mention that my insurance company sucks?   

Overall, the enormity of this situation is definitely sinking in, and I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed this weekend.  Work is what I am feeling the most stressed out about, which honestly just pisses me off.  I have cancer for crap's sake.  I'm starting chemo in a week or so.  I'm most likely going to have my breast or breasts surgically removed.  I really shouldn't have to worry about all this work crap too.  

And the thing is that on a personal level, I feel very supported at work.  My coworkers are kind, caring people, and so many have offered support in whatever way they can.  And thank goodness for a coworker who I could call over the weekend to help me start making a plan and stop freaking out so much.  So there are only two problems.  First of all, who has the time and the skills to take on some or all of my work?  And institutionally, I really worry about the support that the college will give me.  I am trying to schedule a meeting with the HR Director, but I'm afraid that I'm going to be told that when I run out of PTO, I'm screwed.  I have about 20 days saved because I haven't taken a vacation since I started working there and I only take days off when I'm really sick or have to take care of Calla, but that won't cover the time I will likely need for chemo and the 2-3 weeks I'll need to take off for surgery.  It doesn't seem fair that I should have to use all of the time I've saved up because I have cancer, especially when I'm going to work as much as I possibly can.  Although honestly, I'm starting to think that if it doesn't benefit us financially, and it causes me more stress, maybe I will go out on disability.  I just don't know what I'm going to do, and I HATE not having a plan.

We also went shopping this weekend to get a few scarves and hats.  My mom also found a website that I'm probably going to order a few hats from.  It's a little surreal to actually think about having no hair.  I don't think I have a very good skull shape, so it's a good thing this is temporary.

Today I had my second opinion at the hospital Aris works for, Augusta Health.  I've felt good about RMH so far, so this was really to get a different perspective and maybe a little peace of mind.  It also gave me the opportunity to have yet another individual examine my boobs.  Since I probably won't have them much longer, I figure I might as well give everyone in the medical field the opportunity to inspect them.  I really don't think this many people looked at my boobs when I was breastfeeding.  Seriously though, the appointment was helpful both in terms of answering some questions that we both had and making us feel confident that we are taking the right course of action.  I'm going to stick with RMH, as I had thought I would, but I'm glad I had the second opinion.  

One of the things the doctor said today that really resonated with me is that breast cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint.  The thing about that, though, is that I've NEVER wanted to do a marathon.  I have cousins and former coworkers that are all about running marathons.  I'm not...it's not my thing.  The only kind of marathon I like is a Top Chef or Walking Dead marathon on TV, but I don't think that's the kind of marathon he meant.  I'm a little pissed about having to do this marathon, but I don't really have a choice, do I?