As expected, this week has been a whirlwind of appointments, tests, and scheduling more appointments and tests. On Tuesday, I had my surgical consultation for the port insertion. On Wednesday, I had an MRI and CT scan, on Thursday I had my first appointment with the oncologist, and this morning I had my anesthesiologist consultation for the port insertion. Next Monday I actually don't have any appointments (yet)! Next Tuesday I have an EKG scheduled bright and early and then I have the surgery to have the port inserted, and on Wednesday I start chemo.
So let me just start with the MRI and CT scan on Wednesday afternoon, which was quite an experience. First of all, on my way from work to the hospital, I had to drink two big bottles of barium contrast "berry smoothie." To imagine what this tastes like, first think about what an actual berry smoothie tastes like. Now imagine someone has replaced about half of the berries with Elmer's glue, and you have to drink about a quart of it. So by the time my MRI started, I was a bit queasy, but I didn't throw up so I consider that a win.
The MRI itself was not exactly fun either, nor was it what I was expecting. Basically, I had to lay on my stomach with my boobs hanging into holes and all of my upper body weight on a padded bar on my sternum and a padded hole for my face. Then they gave me some headphones and backed me into a tube, where I lay in that extremely comfortable position for over half an hour. They play music on the headphones, but I could barely hear it over the MRI machine. Good lord, that thing is loud! Halfway through the MRI, they gave me intravenous contrast, so at least I knew when it was halfway through, but that seemed like a very long 30-35 minutes.
My CT scan was scheduled for the same afternoon as the MRI, but not for 3 hours after the MRI was done. So I got to hang out in the Imaging Department for basically the entire afternoon with an IV in my arm. It was as much fun as it sounds. The good news is, though, that everything came back fine - nothing suspicious on the CT scan and only what we already knew about on the MRI. So yay, I officially have Stage 2 Breast Cancer, which is a hell of a lot better than stage 3 or 4!
Also, I finally got the HER2 pathology results, and they were "equivocal," not negative or positive. So that really clears things up. What that does mean is that my chemo treatment will be a little different than what I thought, but in a good way it seems. Instead of having 4 cycles of Adriamycin and Cytoxan and then 4 cycles of Taxol, I will have 6 cycles of Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta, and they will be 3 weeks apart instead of 2. So it's 18 weeks instead of 16, but fewer actual doses and more time in between, so I'll take it! I think that will make things easier for me to continue working, and that is causing me less stress right now.
The only bad about that is that I need to get the Herceptin every three weeks for a YEAR! But the Herceptin doesn't really have any really bad side effects like hair loss or feeling awful, so I guess it will be okay. And I guess I need to start forming a close relationship with my oncologist since even after all of this treatment, I'll need to meet with him once a year for forever. He seems pretty decent, though, so I guess that will be okay.
Overall, I'm feeling much more grateful and positive this week. This past weekend and the beginning of the week was tough, and I was just pissed about this whole situation, but I've slowly gotten over that. I honestly have a lot to be thankful for. Mostly I'm thankful that this isn't a death sentence. From the very beginning I've said that as long as I'm still alive to raise my daughter and watch her grow up, everything will be fine, and I'm feeling very optimistic about that.
I'm also thankful that I work with a great staff, who have been supportive and willingly taken on more duties and responsibilities to take the load off of me. And I'm excited for this weekend because my mother, sister, and younger nephews are visiting and we're going to the local indoor water park! Lastly, I want to say how grateful I am for all of the Facebook messages, emails, cards, and well wishes I've gotten. Thank you for caring!
And to be honest, I can't believe my sister has managed to raise over $1000 for my medical bills already! I had mixed feelings about her doing fundraising, because I feel like we're fine financially while there are other people who don't have money for housing or shelter. But, as she said, we don't have $6000 lying around for medical bills. This stupid high deductible health insurance is the worst. Honestly, I feel like there are so many more worthy causes out there than my stupid breast cancer, but I really am very grateful.
She asked me to plug this on here, so if you have a few extra bucks and want to see it go towards my medical bills, you can donate here: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-dawn-fight-breast-cancer/296413. Or if you would like to buy some stuff from Origami Owl (lockets and jewelry and stuff), the proceeds of which will go toward my medical fund, you can go here http://whoareyoudesigns.origamiowl.com/parties/DawnsMedicalFund596573/collections.ashx. Seriously, though, don't feel obligated. I won't be offended if you donate your money to the sad Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials instead...they probably need it more than me.
I think the bottom line behind all of this is that this whole process is going to be long and really suck at times, but it's not going to last forever and maybe (hopefully) life will be even better afterwards. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so I'm trying to keep that in mind.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
Stress and a second opinion
I guess I should just start with the bad news...my lymph node biopsy was positive. So my cancer has at least spread to one lymph node, and I have more tests this week to make sure it hasn't spread further. My life has started to revolve around doctor's appointments and medical tests. Also, my insurance won't approve a PET scan, so they suck. I have to have a CT scan instead, and I'm thinking that if a CT scan were the best test, my doctor would have just ordered a CT scan and not a PET scan to begin with. Is the PET scan more expensive or something? Did I mention that my insurance company sucks?
Overall, the enormity of this situation is definitely sinking in, and I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed this weekend. Work is what I am feeling the most stressed out about, which honestly just pisses me off. I have cancer for crap's sake. I'm starting chemo in a week or so. I'm most likely going to have my breast or breasts surgically removed. I really shouldn't have to worry about all this work crap too.
And the thing is that on a personal level, I feel very supported at work. My coworkers are kind, caring people, and so many have offered support in whatever way they can. And thank goodness for a coworker who I could call over the weekend to help me start making a plan and stop freaking out so much. So there are only two problems. First of all, who has the time and the skills to take on some or all of my work? And institutionally, I really worry about the support that the college will give me. I am trying to schedule a meeting with the HR Director, but I'm afraid that I'm going to be told that when I run out of PTO, I'm screwed. I have about 20 days saved because I haven't taken a vacation since I started working there and I only take days off when I'm really sick or have to take care of Calla, but that won't cover the time I will likely need for chemo and the 2-3 weeks I'll need to take off for surgery. It doesn't seem fair that I should have to use all of the time I've saved up because I have cancer, especially when I'm going to work as much as I possibly can. Although honestly, I'm starting to think that if it doesn't benefit us financially, and it causes me more stress, maybe I will go out on disability. I just don't know what I'm going to do, and I HATE not having a plan.
We also went shopping this weekend to get a few scarves and hats. My mom also found a website that I'm probably going to order a few hats from. It's a little surreal to actually think about having no hair. I don't think I have a very good skull shape, so it's a good thing this is temporary.
Today I had my second opinion at the hospital Aris works for, Augusta Health. I've felt good about RMH so far, so this was really to get a different perspective and maybe a little peace of mind. It also gave me the opportunity to have yet another individual examine my boobs. Since I probably won't have them much longer, I figure I might as well give everyone in the medical field the opportunity to inspect them. I really don't think this many people looked at my boobs when I was breastfeeding. Seriously though, the appointment was helpful both in terms of answering some questions that we both had and making us feel confident that we are taking the right course of action. I'm going to stick with RMH, as I had thought I would, but I'm glad I had the second opinion.
One of the things the doctor said today that really resonated with me is that breast cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint. The thing about that, though, is that I've NEVER wanted to do a marathon. I have cousins and former coworkers that are all about running marathons. I'm not...it's not my thing. The only kind of marathon I like is a Top Chef or Walking Dead marathon on TV, but I don't think that's the kind of marathon he meant. I'm a little pissed about having to do this marathon, but I don't really have a choice, do I?
Overall, the enormity of this situation is definitely sinking in, and I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed this weekend. Work is what I am feeling the most stressed out about, which honestly just pisses me off. I have cancer for crap's sake. I'm starting chemo in a week or so. I'm most likely going to have my breast or breasts surgically removed. I really shouldn't have to worry about all this work crap too.
And the thing is that on a personal level, I feel very supported at work. My coworkers are kind, caring people, and so many have offered support in whatever way they can. And thank goodness for a coworker who I could call over the weekend to help me start making a plan and stop freaking out so much. So there are only two problems. First of all, who has the time and the skills to take on some or all of my work? And institutionally, I really worry about the support that the college will give me. I am trying to schedule a meeting with the HR Director, but I'm afraid that I'm going to be told that when I run out of PTO, I'm screwed. I have about 20 days saved because I haven't taken a vacation since I started working there and I only take days off when I'm really sick or have to take care of Calla, but that won't cover the time I will likely need for chemo and the 2-3 weeks I'll need to take off for surgery. It doesn't seem fair that I should have to use all of the time I've saved up because I have cancer, especially when I'm going to work as much as I possibly can. Although honestly, I'm starting to think that if it doesn't benefit us financially, and it causes me more stress, maybe I will go out on disability. I just don't know what I'm going to do, and I HATE not having a plan.
We also went shopping this weekend to get a few scarves and hats. My mom also found a website that I'm probably going to order a few hats from. It's a little surreal to actually think about having no hair. I don't think I have a very good skull shape, so it's a good thing this is temporary.
Today I had my second opinion at the hospital Aris works for, Augusta Health. I've felt good about RMH so far, so this was really to get a different perspective and maybe a little peace of mind. It also gave me the opportunity to have yet another individual examine my boobs. Since I probably won't have them much longer, I figure I might as well give everyone in the medical field the opportunity to inspect them. I really don't think this many people looked at my boobs when I was breastfeeding. Seriously though, the appointment was helpful both in terms of answering some questions that we both had and making us feel confident that we are taking the right course of action. I'm going to stick with RMH, as I had thought I would, but I'm glad I had the second opinion.
One of the things the doctor said today that really resonated with me is that breast cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint. The thing about that, though, is that I've NEVER wanted to do a marathon. I have cousins and former coworkers that are all about running marathons. I'm not...it's not my thing. The only kind of marathon I like is a Top Chef or Walking Dead marathon on TV, but I don't think that's the kind of marathon he meant. I'm a little pissed about having to do this marathon, but I don't really have a choice, do I?
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Another day, another biopsy
This morning was my first doctor's appointment since my cancer diagnosis. I'm going to be honest and say that I really didn't want to go this morning. I may have, somewhat jokingly, said to Aris, "I feel fine...maybe I'll just ignore this whole thing." This is the type of situation when he really doesn't appreciate my sense of humor. Obviously, I went to the appointment, but I wasn't particularly happy about it.
Since it was a doctor's appointment, the first step of course was to fill out about six questionnaires that all asked the same questions. At the top of the second page, it asked "What is the reason for your visit?" Seriously? If you don't know that, I'm in deep shit. So I wrote "Apparently I have breast cancer." I wanted to write "as you clearly know," but even I know that may have crossed a line.
The very first thing they did was an ultrasound of the lymph nodes on my "cancer side." And of course, there was one lymph node that looked abnormal, so they told me I would need to have a lymph node biopsy. See? This is why I didn't even want to come to the appointment. Sigh.
Then the "Breast Health Navigator" (that's her actual job title, I swear) and breast surgeon came in and proceeded to examine my breasts at the same time - one on each side, and then they switched. So that was weird. Then they went over more details about my pathology report. My cancer is ER (estrogen receptor) and PR (progesterone) positive, which is apparently good. They still don't know my HER2 status, which apparently will affect the type of chemo they give me. My largest tumor is 3.6 cm. So I most likely have Stage II Breast Cancer.
And then we actually discussed my treatment. As I anticipated, I will have neoadjuvant chemotherapy, i.e. chemo before surgery. Most likely, I will have eight 2-week chemo cycles. So 16 weeks of chemo, which is better than the 24 weeks that I thought was possible. Next week I will have an MRI, a PET scan, meet with the oncologist, and get a port surgically implanted. In addition to, you know, trying to work, raise my child, and live my life. The doctor said that my chemo may start as early as next week, but since I'm not meeting with the oncologist until Thursday afternoon, I'm thinking it will actually be the following week.
We talked about whether I could/should continue to work during chemo, and she seemed to think it was very possible. So I'm thinking that I will at least try to only take 2-3 days off on and after the days I have chemo and try to keep working otherwise. It will really just depend on how sick I get, which we won't know until the chemo starts. Part of me really wants to keep working, because I do actually enjoy my work. And I think it would be a little more stressful for me to be away for 6 months and not know what I'm coming back to. I work with great people, but I might possibly be a bit of a control freak. There is also a part of me that just wants to lie on the couch and watch TV all day during my treatment, but it is possible that could get old after a while.
The doctor also said that since I have four "masses," I will almost definitely need a mastectomy as opposed to a lumpectomy. I was still holding out hope that I would be able to save my breast, but this wasn't that surprising really. I can probably have reconstructive surgery at the same time, so there's that at least. But the surgery itself is still five months away, so that's not my main concern right now.
I also had blood drawn for genetic testing, so that could potentially change some treatment decisions. Finally, I had my second biopsy in a week, this time of one of my lymph nodes. It was an easier biopsy than the one of my breast, although as I type this my armpit still hurts. And it was a little annoying that we had to wait about half an hour for the doctor after I was all prepped for the biopsy. I'm supposed to find out the biopsy results tomorrow, and obviously that could affect my treatment as well. So let's just say that everything isn't written in stone yet.
Aris and I are trying to figure out how to tell Calla about all of this. I don't want to tell her more than I need to, but there are clearly some things she's going to notice. Like her parents suddenly having the same hair style. So tonight Aris and I tried to talk to her about mommy not having any hair. She was not happy about that idea, which worries me a little. I honestly didn't think she'd care that much about me losing my hair, but it seems to bother her. So we'll keep talking to her, and hopefully it will just take some time for her to adjust to what's going on.
Since it was a doctor's appointment, the first step of course was to fill out about six questionnaires that all asked the same questions. At the top of the second page, it asked "What is the reason for your visit?" Seriously? If you don't know that, I'm in deep shit. So I wrote "Apparently I have breast cancer." I wanted to write "as you clearly know," but even I know that may have crossed a line.
The very first thing they did was an ultrasound of the lymph nodes on my "cancer side." And of course, there was one lymph node that looked abnormal, so they told me I would need to have a lymph node biopsy. See? This is why I didn't even want to come to the appointment. Sigh.
Then the "Breast Health Navigator" (that's her actual job title, I swear) and breast surgeon came in and proceeded to examine my breasts at the same time - one on each side, and then they switched. So that was weird. Then they went over more details about my pathology report. My cancer is ER (estrogen receptor) and PR (progesterone) positive, which is apparently good. They still don't know my HER2 status, which apparently will affect the type of chemo they give me. My largest tumor is 3.6 cm. So I most likely have Stage II Breast Cancer.
And then we actually discussed my treatment. As I anticipated, I will have neoadjuvant chemotherapy, i.e. chemo before surgery. Most likely, I will have eight 2-week chemo cycles. So 16 weeks of chemo, which is better than the 24 weeks that I thought was possible. Next week I will have an MRI, a PET scan, meet with the oncologist, and get a port surgically implanted. In addition to, you know, trying to work, raise my child, and live my life. The doctor said that my chemo may start as early as next week, but since I'm not meeting with the oncologist until Thursday afternoon, I'm thinking it will actually be the following week.
We talked about whether I could/should continue to work during chemo, and she seemed to think it was very possible. So I'm thinking that I will at least try to only take 2-3 days off on and after the days I have chemo and try to keep working otherwise. It will really just depend on how sick I get, which we won't know until the chemo starts. Part of me really wants to keep working, because I do actually enjoy my work. And I think it would be a little more stressful for me to be away for 6 months and not know what I'm coming back to. I work with great people, but I might possibly be a bit of a control freak. There is also a part of me that just wants to lie on the couch and watch TV all day during my treatment, but it is possible that could get old after a while.
The doctor also said that since I have four "masses," I will almost definitely need a mastectomy as opposed to a lumpectomy. I was still holding out hope that I would be able to save my breast, but this wasn't that surprising really. I can probably have reconstructive surgery at the same time, so there's that at least. But the surgery itself is still five months away, so that's not my main concern right now.
I also had blood drawn for genetic testing, so that could potentially change some treatment decisions. Finally, I had my second biopsy in a week, this time of one of my lymph nodes. It was an easier biopsy than the one of my breast, although as I type this my armpit still hurts. And it was a little annoying that we had to wait about half an hour for the doctor after I was all prepped for the biopsy. I'm supposed to find out the biopsy results tomorrow, and obviously that could affect my treatment as well. So let's just say that everything isn't written in stone yet.
Aris and I are trying to figure out how to tell Calla about all of this. I don't want to tell her more than I need to, but there are clearly some things she's going to notice. Like her parents suddenly having the same hair style. So tonight Aris and I tried to talk to her about mommy not having any hair. She was not happy about that idea, which worries me a little. I honestly didn't think she'd care that much about me losing my hair, but it seems to bother her. So we'll keep talking to her, and hopefully it will just take some time for her to adjust to what's going on.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Waiting and making my first appointments
Today's holiday means that Calla's school was closed, which means that I took the day off to stay home with her. I've been worried that Calla knows something is up because she's been extra clingy and hyper lately, so I'm hoping that having the whole day together will help with that. On a side note, I love that kid more than life itself, but don't know how stay-at-home moms do it. But I digress...
The strangest part of this whole situation is that I feel physically fine, but the fact that I have cancer is always present somewhere in my brain. This weekend was totally normal - Calla went to a birthday party, we watched soccer and football (well, Aris watched soccer and I rolled my eyes about Aris always watching soccer), Calla spread her toys all over our living room. Except this weekend wasn't totally normal, because I knew that I have breast cancer.
Despite the fact that having cancer is a little like a cloud hanging over my head, I actually feel pretty much fine emotionally as well, which seems weird. I think I must have some anxiety, because I don't have much of an appetite most of the time. But other than that, I feel basically normal. I don't think I'm in denial, but maybe this just hasn't totally sunk in yet.
I debated about whether to post anything on Facebook, but ultimately thought I might as well just put it out there. I really appreciate all of the positive thoughts and prayers coming my/our way. Again, it feels weird for people to wish me a speedy recovery when I feel fine, but I'm sure I'll need those positive thoughts and prayers soon.
So I still don't know any more of my pathology results, and of course I don't know what the treatment plan will be yet. I have my first appointment with the surgeon on Thursday morning at Rockingham Memorial Hospital, and then a second opinion appointment at the hospital where Aris works (Augusta Health) on Monday afternoon. So far my experience at RMH has been positive and it's much closer, so unless I get really bad vibes from the doctor there or something, that's probably where I'm going to have my treatment. The second opinion seems to make Aris feel better, so that's the main reason I'm doing it.
From everything I've been told and looked up on the Internet (a dangerous pastime, I know), the odds are that I'll have chemo first (maybe as many as 6 months?!?), then surgery, then radiation. So hopefully I'll have a clean bill of health before Calla turns 5 (on November 15).
Of course, that's assuming that the cancer hasn't spread, which I don't know yet. My body feels a little like a ticking time bomb, not knowing if the cancer is limited to my left boob or not. I keep checking my lymph nodes to see if they're swollen or sore (I realize that's not the most accurate medical test). I'm hoping the fact that I feel fine and my lymph nodes are not, in fact, swollen or sore (as far as I can tell) is a good sign. But who knows? I thought I had cysts in my stupid boob.
The strangest part of this whole situation is that I feel physically fine, but the fact that I have cancer is always present somewhere in my brain. This weekend was totally normal - Calla went to a birthday party, we watched soccer and football (well, Aris watched soccer and I rolled my eyes about Aris always watching soccer), Calla spread her toys all over our living room. Except this weekend wasn't totally normal, because I knew that I have breast cancer.
Despite the fact that having cancer is a little like a cloud hanging over my head, I actually feel pretty much fine emotionally as well, which seems weird. I think I must have some anxiety, because I don't have much of an appetite most of the time. But other than that, I feel basically normal. I don't think I'm in denial, but maybe this just hasn't totally sunk in yet.
I debated about whether to post anything on Facebook, but ultimately thought I might as well just put it out there. I really appreciate all of the positive thoughts and prayers coming my/our way. Again, it feels weird for people to wish me a speedy recovery when I feel fine, but I'm sure I'll need those positive thoughts and prayers soon.
So I still don't know any more of my pathology results, and of course I don't know what the treatment plan will be yet. I have my first appointment with the surgeon on Thursday morning at Rockingham Memorial Hospital, and then a second opinion appointment at the hospital where Aris works (Augusta Health) on Monday afternoon. So far my experience at RMH has been positive and it's much closer, so unless I get really bad vibes from the doctor there or something, that's probably where I'm going to have my treatment. The second opinion seems to make Aris feel better, so that's the main reason I'm doing it.
From everything I've been told and looked up on the Internet (a dangerous pastime, I know), the odds are that I'll have chemo first (maybe as many as 6 months?!?), then surgery, then radiation. So hopefully I'll have a clean bill of health before Calla turns 5 (on November 15).
Of course, that's assuming that the cancer hasn't spread, which I don't know yet. My body feels a little like a ticking time bomb, not knowing if the cancer is limited to my left boob or not. I keep checking my lymph nodes to see if they're swollen or sore (I realize that's not the most accurate medical test). I'm hoping the fact that I feel fine and my lymph nodes are not, in fact, swollen or sore (as far as I can tell) is a good sign. But who knows? I thought I had cysts in my stupid boob.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Biopsy and results
Next step was the biopsy. As it turns out, there were four "spots" that they were concerned about, and the nurse thought they would biopsy two. The next appointment was in one week (a Thursday). So I (and my worried husband) spent a week googling biopsies and breast tumors. What we read was encouraging - 4 out of 5 biopsies are negative (meaning not cancerous), most lumps in women under 40 are benign, and even better, having multiple lumps makes it more likely that they are benign....so I was probably fine.
So I went into the biopsy having pretty much convinced myself that it would be negative. Aris came with me for moral support even though I told him there was no point since he couldn't be in the room with me when they were doing the biopsy. But caring person that he is, he took the afternoon off (without pay) to be there, which I was ultimately very grateful for.
The procedure itself wasn't particularly fun, but it wasn't very painful either. They numb the skin, so they only thing I felt was a lot of pressure, especially when the (huge) needle was going in and the samples were being extracted. It was also a bit disconcerting (and, honestly, nauseating) to see the needle going into the dark spot on the ultrasound. Eventually I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was just resting with my arm awkwardly over my head. They also placed a titanium "clip" in both biopsy sites for future reference. And they did a mammogram after the procedure to get a "picture" of where the clip is. Luckily, they don't do as much compression during that mammogram, so it didn't hurt much either.
The doctor said he would speak to my husband and I after the mammogram was done. I knew I probably wouldn't get the results until Monday, so I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. I was surprised after the biopsy how shaky I was. My hands and my knees were both really shaky. We sat down with the doctor, and first he said how well I'd done. Really I'd just laid still and didn't cry or scream, but I guess that was better than some other patients.
Then he told us that he strongly suspected that my biopsy would be positive...wait, what? That can't be right. I told him what we'd read, and he said that all of that was normally true, but looking at my ultrasounds, he was fairly certain that it was cancer. He could be wrong, he wasn't God, blah blah blah, but it didn't look like anything else it could be. Aris, being who he is, wanted to know a number - was it 50/50, 70/30, what were our odds here? The doctor said that in his opinion, there was over a 90% chance that I had breast cancer. Well, fuck. That's not what you want to hear.
Well, at least we were prepared for the results. I figured I should prepare my family and coworkers, so I told them that there was a good chance that I had breast cancer. Fun times for everyone.
And then I waited...but luckily(?) I didn't have to wait as long as I thought. Around 5:30 on Friday, January 16, I got the news that no one wants to hear - I have cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 2 to be exact. And at this point, that's about all I know. There are more pathology results to come, which will affect my treatment. And lots more tests to come...probably an MRI, maybe a lymph node biopsy, bone scan, genetic testing, and probably more.
So it's going to be a long road ahead. As I told my mom, I don't think this will kill me, but it's going to be really shitty. At this point, the only thing I really care about is being able to be here to raise my daughter and this whole experience not scarring her for life.
So I went into the biopsy having pretty much convinced myself that it would be negative. Aris came with me for moral support even though I told him there was no point since he couldn't be in the room with me when they were doing the biopsy. But caring person that he is, he took the afternoon off (without pay) to be there, which I was ultimately very grateful for.
The procedure itself wasn't particularly fun, but it wasn't very painful either. They numb the skin, so they only thing I felt was a lot of pressure, especially when the (huge) needle was going in and the samples were being extracted. It was also a bit disconcerting (and, honestly, nauseating) to see the needle going into the dark spot on the ultrasound. Eventually I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was just resting with my arm awkwardly over my head. They also placed a titanium "clip" in both biopsy sites for future reference. And they did a mammogram after the procedure to get a "picture" of where the clip is. Luckily, they don't do as much compression during that mammogram, so it didn't hurt much either.
The doctor said he would speak to my husband and I after the mammogram was done. I knew I probably wouldn't get the results until Monday, so I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. I was surprised after the biopsy how shaky I was. My hands and my knees were both really shaky. We sat down with the doctor, and first he said how well I'd done. Really I'd just laid still and didn't cry or scream, but I guess that was better than some other patients.
Then he told us that he strongly suspected that my biopsy would be positive...wait, what? That can't be right. I told him what we'd read, and he said that all of that was normally true, but looking at my ultrasounds, he was fairly certain that it was cancer. He could be wrong, he wasn't God, blah blah blah, but it didn't look like anything else it could be. Aris, being who he is, wanted to know a number - was it 50/50, 70/30, what were our odds here? The doctor said that in his opinion, there was over a 90% chance that I had breast cancer. Well, fuck. That's not what you want to hear.
Well, at least we were prepared for the results. I figured I should prepare my family and coworkers, so I told them that there was a good chance that I had breast cancer. Fun times for everyone.
And then I waited...but luckily(?) I didn't have to wait as long as I thought. Around 5:30 on Friday, January 16, I got the news that no one wants to hear - I have cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 2 to be exact. And at this point, that's about all I know. There are more pathology results to come, which will affect my treatment. And lots more tests to come...probably an MRI, maybe a lymph node biopsy, bone scan, genetic testing, and probably more.
So it's going to be a long road ahead. As I told my mom, I don't think this will kill me, but it's going to be really shitty. At this point, the only thing I really care about is being able to be here to raise my daughter and this whole experience not scarring her for life.
The beginning...a lump, a mammogram, and an ultrasound
So this is my first blog, and I wish it were a bit more cheerful...sorry about that. If you're reading this, I'm guessing you know me on some level, but for anyone who just happened to find this, here's a little about me. I'm a 38 year old wife, mother of a four year old, and higher education administrator (Director of Residence Life to be specific) at a small, private college in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia. I always thought I was a fairly healthy person although I have an underactive thyroid, I don't eat very healthy, and I loathe exercising. Okay, so maybe I'm not that healthy, but I've never really been super sick either.
Sometime in the fall (I can't remember exactly when), I felt a lump in my left breast. I couldn't remember feeling anything like that before, and I was a little concerned. I asked my husband (Aris) to feel it, which he did and said he didn't feel anything. To be honest, I can be a bit of a hypochondriac, so I think he dismissed it a little. I knew something was there and thought I should probably see my doctor, but I'm also a bit of a procrastinator, especially about going to the doctor or doing other things to take care of myself. So I would check once in a while to see if the lump was still there, and it was. It never really changed size, and I was starting to think maybe I felt two lumps.
Finally, over Winter Break in late December, I saw my doctor. The appointment was mainly to get my thyroid prescription renewed, but I mentioned to her that I had felt a lump in my breast. She felt it, and said that she thought it was a cyst. That made sense to me - my mother and sister have both had multiple cysts in their breasts. However, to be safe she referred me to have a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I made my appointment for a week later and didn't think much about it.
On the day of my mammogram and ultrasound, I was a bit apprehensive. I had heard that mammograms hurt, but I also heard that if you have larger breasts (which mine are) it doesn't hurt as much. So, I had the mammogram, which was a little uncomfortable - your boob is basically smooshed between two clear plates for less than a minute. It didn't seem too bad to me, but I wouldn't want to have one every day or anything.
Then they did the ultrasound. So I've now had my throat (when my underactive thyroid was diagnosed), abdomen (when I was pregnant, obviously), and boob ultrasounded. Hopefully the next body part is free. I thought perhaps it wasn't a good sign when the ultrasound tech came in after I thought she was done and said that the doctor wanted more pictures. But who knows, maybe she just screwed up?
After she was done, the doctor came in and talked to me. It was not a good talk. It was a "you have suspicious tumors in your breast and need to have a biopsy" kind of talk. Wait...what happened to my cysts? He also asked if I had a history of breast cancer in my family, which I didn't think I did and ultimately learned that I don't. That has now become a very popular question for medical professionals to ask me.
I called Aris as soon as the doctor finished talking to me and broke down in tears. This isn't how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be simple, easy, and reassuring and now I was really worried. And I had to have a biopsy, which did not sound enjoyable.
Sometime in the fall (I can't remember exactly when), I felt a lump in my left breast. I couldn't remember feeling anything like that before, and I was a little concerned. I asked my husband (Aris) to feel it, which he did and said he didn't feel anything. To be honest, I can be a bit of a hypochondriac, so I think he dismissed it a little. I knew something was there and thought I should probably see my doctor, but I'm also a bit of a procrastinator, especially about going to the doctor or doing other things to take care of myself. So I would check once in a while to see if the lump was still there, and it was. It never really changed size, and I was starting to think maybe I felt two lumps.
Finally, over Winter Break in late December, I saw my doctor. The appointment was mainly to get my thyroid prescription renewed, but I mentioned to her that I had felt a lump in my breast. She felt it, and said that she thought it was a cyst. That made sense to me - my mother and sister have both had multiple cysts in their breasts. However, to be safe she referred me to have a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I made my appointment for a week later and didn't think much about it.
On the day of my mammogram and ultrasound, I was a bit apprehensive. I had heard that mammograms hurt, but I also heard that if you have larger breasts (which mine are) it doesn't hurt as much. So, I had the mammogram, which was a little uncomfortable - your boob is basically smooshed between two clear plates for less than a minute. It didn't seem too bad to me, but I wouldn't want to have one every day or anything.
Then they did the ultrasound. So I've now had my throat (when my underactive thyroid was diagnosed), abdomen (when I was pregnant, obviously), and boob ultrasounded. Hopefully the next body part is free. I thought perhaps it wasn't a good sign when the ultrasound tech came in after I thought she was done and said that the doctor wanted more pictures. But who knows, maybe she just screwed up?
After she was done, the doctor came in and talked to me. It was not a good talk. It was a "you have suspicious tumors in your breast and need to have a biopsy" kind of talk. Wait...what happened to my cysts? He also asked if I had a history of breast cancer in my family, which I didn't think I did and ultimately learned that I don't. That has now become a very popular question for medical professionals to ask me.
I called Aris as soon as the doctor finished talking to me and broke down in tears. This isn't how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be simple, easy, and reassuring and now I was really worried. And I had to have a biopsy, which did not sound enjoyable.
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